That landed right smack dab around 18.5%! Let this be a lesson to you kids considering trying the pot. Being high is no excuse for being a bad tipper. As long as you smoke up with a sense of justice in your heart, you'll tip well and you won't smear the reputation of potheads everywhere, scaring off servers from having to wait on "the high table." Because the last thing potheads need is for people to start refusing to bring them food.  

We look forward to the Danny Boyle movie adaptation of this harrowing tale. Especially when it gets to the part where Caine decides whether or not to masturbate. Unlike that guy from 127 Hours, we think Caine is man enough to go for it. Now if you'll excuse us, Peter O'Toole just got locked in a meat locker and he needs our help.

It's Tanning Mom's fault. She showed up on the scene, flaunting the way her magical skin resembles the craggy bark of an oak tree and suddenly we're all terrified that we're too pale. It's even ruining our live newscasts. Lucky for this reporter, the best natural cure for paleness is to vocally lament your appearance without knowing you're on live TV. It sends an instant blush of deep, deep red to the cheeks.

Everything about this news story just screams "America," from the fact that an overweight man was dissatisfied with a monstrous portion of food, to his inalienable right to protest it, to the sorry economic climate that has left him with an unpaid tab at a buffet, to the fact that all of this already happened on The Simpsons. But you have to hand it to the guy and his crudely constructed protest sign: he's found a way to exercise his freedom without doing any actual exercise.

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When an IMDB writer named John C. Hopwood was tasked with updating the page of Kim Kardashian, he took the opportunity to turn her bio into a merciless indictment of Kardashian, and of American culture as a whole. Kardashian's lawyers had the bio pulled, but a screencap has thankfully been preserved for posterity. Hopefully, several thousand years from now when alien archaeologists swim to the ocean's depths to find artifacts from our society before it was swallowed by too many natural disasters to count, they'll come across this bio and realize that we didn't worship the Kardashians with the fervor implied by their ubiquity. "The Kardashian woman was not their God," they'll conclude. "Upon further research, it would appear they worshipped a man they called 'Gosling.'"

According to redditor surprisemailbox, this ominous note was left on the computer by his friend's 7-year-old sister, and for Christ's sake, everybody do what she says. Otherwise next you'll be waking up to death threats scrawled on the walls in fingerpaints, an outline of your body on the floor in sidewalk chalk, or a gutted teddy bear pinned to the refrigerator as a "message."

Running off so soon, NavyBoy? Couldn't you wait until there's a big family event so you can impregnate any remaining women in their immediate or extended bloodline before you go (cousins, aunts, a half-sibling from a previous marriage)? Surely you wouldn't want to run off without making sure you have a baby inside every single uterus dangling from that family tree. Don't leave the job half-done, and also, thank you for writing into this Australian newspaper's advice column and making every other man on earth look like a chivalrous gentleman by comparison.

Since the launch of Facebook Timeline, we haven't really bothered to do anything with our new profile layout — mostly because we've been too busy posting angry status updates about Facebook Timeline. Everyone else seems to have gone with one of three themes: "Here's an iStock photo of a beach," "Here's my new pet and/or child," or "Here's me at a time before my new pet and/or child ruined my very existence." But these people have gone above and beyond the call of profile customization to do the impossible: make us not hate Facebook Timelines. As much.

You think that's bad? Every time we give them the name "Bob" we get a cup back that reads, "Creepy Dude Who Insists On Making Eye Contact While Touching The Cashier's Palm When He Pays In Nothing But Change." It's like they all need hearing aids or something!