1. This unsettling ode to holiday date rape is a relic of an era when "No" meant "Not if I'm conscious."

2. Congratulations on making Santa Claus sound like even more of a stalker than the vampire from Twilight.

3. Bono's signature line from this overwrought Band-Aid ballad — ironically intended to help feed starving children — sounds more like one big "Sucks to be them."

4. The only thing more disturbing than all the merchandise this shameless gold-digger wants from St. Nick is what she's willing to do to get it.

5. Nothing says Christmas like two schizophrenics in a meadow having a spirited conversation with an inanimate object.

6. This treacly, manipulative garbage was written for one reason and one reason only: to make your mom cry. These guys are assholes.

7. This lesser-known holiday tune from the late John Denver is about as heartwarming as a plane crash.

8. Eventually axed from this plodding dirge to make it only slightly less depressing, this actual line from the original version straight-up predicts your impending death.