In what is surely the most earth-shattering news since the death of Osama Bin Laden, it's being reported that Khloe Kardashian might not actually be a Kardashian. While this sounds like a vindication normally reserved for wrongly imprisoned inmates who are freed based on DNA evidence, it doesn't repay Khloe for the time she's already served in the Kardashian cabal. To avoid this in the future, and perhaps to help Khloe know for sure what her lineage really is, we've put together this easy quiz:

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A KARDASHIAN
A simple quiz to evaluate your Kardashian levels and determine whether you're a member of the most useless family on Earth.

1. Complete this sentence: A leaked video recording of your private sexual activity would be...
a) The only secure foundation upon which a financial empire must be erected.
b) Difficult to pull off in a way that makes it look like an accident.
c) Like so embarrassing because from 9:33:36 to 9:34:10 I look totally fat.
d) Non-existent because why would someone record themselves having sex.

2. The most useful thing you can do with your Twitter account is to...
a) Make the functionally illiterate feel better about themselves.
b) Make stroke victims feel better about themselves.
c) Make Heidi Montag feel better about herself.
d) Twitter can be useful?

3. Finish this analogy: Studying is to Being Successful In School as Hard Work is to…
a) Being successful at work.
b) Ew. What?
c) Why are you talking like that? You sound like Yoda from Lord Of The Rings.
d) Spin class!


4. Where is this woman probably going?


a) To work.
b) To a porn shoot set in an office.
c) To a funeral for one of her mom's husbands.
d) Is she that ugly accountant lady who tells us not to buy stuff? I hate her!

5. When you are in a public park and you start speaking out loud, how do the surrounding animals react to the sound of your voice?
a) Never really noticed.
b) Birds start to soar head first into the ground in this kind of dive-bomb suicide thing.
c) Sometimes I'll see squirrels who appear to be doing it to the rhythm of my speech.
d) Have you ever seen all the dogs in a dog run stop playing and just kind of pile on top of each other to bury their ears underneath the heavy flesh of other dogs? That.

6. A marriage should be between…
a) Two people who love each other very much.
b) Two people who know each other very much.
c) Two people whose PR reps having been looking for a project to work on together.
d) Two people, their licensing agents, Sally the most amazing veil assistant a girl could ever have, a team of Gown Doubles, all the great folks at Ciroc, Suzanne and Ray and all the wonderful people at E!, and several dozen attorneys to handle the prenups, divorce complaints, confidentiality clauses and waivers of all liability since it's an outdoor wedding and Bruce Jenner's face might start to bubble up like hot pizza cheese.

7. Circle any of the following statements that you have ever spoken out loud without any irony.
a) "Only trash would wear sunglasses that cost less than $12,000."
b) "She said she couldn't wax me while I'm in the middle of a flare-up so I got her fired."
c) "Just signed the papers to have a mold taken of my vagina for my own signature Fleshlight!"
d) "Oh God I'm late for work."

8. If you spent years thinking that you were a Kardashian and suddenly learned that you aren't a Kardashian, you would feel…
a) So, like, lost.
b) So, like, confused.
c) So, like, alone.
d) Like Tim Robbins when he finally bursts free from the sewage pipe at the end of Shawshank.

- - -

Now add up your scores!

Points
1.    a-5 b-10 c-15 d-1
2.    a-5 b-10 c-15 d-1
3.    a-1 b-5 c-10 d-15
4.    a-1 b-5 c-10 d-15
5.    a-1 b-5 c-10 d-15
6.    a-1 b-5 c-10 d-15
7.    a-5 b-10 c-15 d-1
8.    a-5 b-10 c-15 d-1

If you scored between 8 and 23 points, your Kardashian levels are negligible and you are likely a sensible, tolerable, contributing member of society.

If you scored between 25 and 50 points, your Kardashian levels are moderately high, but you can still get out if you really want to.

If you scored 50 points or higher, or if you tried to add up your points but addition makes you feel dizzy so you decided to take a nap in a hot tub instead, you're Kim.