5. Everything was covered in Santorum. Rick Santorum shocked the establishment this week — "the establishment" meaning the handful of bored-looking political pundits still being paid to care — by running away (effeminately, we imagine) with three technically meaningless victories in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota. This apparently changes everything and blah, blah, blah — look, if this race is going to have more endings than the Lord of the Rings trilogy, they could at least have the decency to throw a couple of gay hobbits in there.

4. George Lucas continued re-ruining Star Wars. Lucas opted to "promote" the upcoming re-release of The Phantom Menace this week by criticizing the only people insane enough to see it. He then riled fans further by divulging that he never intended for Han Solo to "shoot first" in the cantina scene of the original Star Wars, a secret he had presumably been hiding inside his enormous pouch of neck fat. 

3. Soldiers pose for historically idiotic photo-op. A group of Marines was under fire of a different kind after being photographed in front of a flag emblazoned with the unmistakable logo of the Schutzstaffel, better known by your grandpa and anyone who's ever played Call of Duty as the Nazi SS. While it probably wasn't intentional, it's a little like Michael Jordan doing half a dozen Hanes commercials with a Hitler mustache.

2. CPAC would Just. Not. Shut. Up. The Conservative Political Action Conference converged on Washington this week, drawing a diverse crowd of white people, whiter people, and huge fans of medium-paced, missionary-position sex. And while it's nice to have all the craziest people in America localized in one area code for a few days, it's really not worth the ominous sight of Ann Coulter's gaunt face spouting horrifying nonsense to a room full of enthusiastically nodding heads. 

1. Group goes after least offensive talk show host on television. A group of anti-gay activists called One Million Moms (actual membership: 40,000) asked JC Penney this week to drop Ellen Degeneres as a spokesperson, inciting a backlash from fans of her talk show — a group that, ironically, is made up of several million other moms.