5. Westboro Baptist Church apparently changed its message to "God Hates Divas." The endlessly obnoxious Phelps family announced plans this week to picket the funeral of Whitney Houston, even though to the best of our knowledge she was neither gay nor an Iraq War vet. We can't even remember what these inbred attention whores are supposed to be protesting, and we're fairly sure they don't either.
4. Foster Friess thinks your vagina has a headache. Friess, the guy in charge of Rick Santorum's SuperPAC and one of his biggest supporters, went on MSNBC Thursday and "joked" that, in his day, women staved off pregnancy by sticking Bayer aspirin between their legs. He would have paid more attention in health class, but he was too busy entertaining big dreams of one day helping someone lose a presidential race.
3. Dick Cheney forced us to kind of like Dick Cheney. Former extremely unpopular vice president Dick Cheney came out this week in support of marriage equality, requiring us to reluctantly reexamine our deep-seated loathing of everything he stands for. We're glad to hear that he officially supports his daughter's right to wed her partner, but we can't say we're huge fans of his proposed slogan, "Let's Shoot Bigotry in the Face."
2. A guy suffered a heart attack after almost literally asking for it. An overweight man went into cardiac arrest this week at Heart Attack Grill, a restaurant that sounds like it would pride itself on killing its customers but for some reason gets all defensive when it almost actually happens. We're not sure what the big deal is, though — this is far from the first time an unhealthy restaurant has lived up to its name. Hooters has been giving men breasts for years.
1. We witnessed the birth of Linsanity. Knicks phenom Jeremy Lin overcame the hardship of not being black to go from benchwarmer to biggest sports star in the world in a matter of days. But if there's one thing the American sports media is good at, it's covering sports overexposure, and we've already reached our breaking point. It's not that we're tired of Lin himself — we just can't take any more Lin-sipid nicknames.
