Introducing the Man Candle. No that's not a fun new euphemism for your penis (though it should be). It's a line of scented candles from Yankee Candle. Yes, these are real and yes, they purport to make your home smell like manly pasttimes such as lawn mowing, football, and earning 30% more than women with the same skill set. Our favorite is "Man Town," which apparently smells like a man-cave and not like the leather bar of the same name that can be found in the gay district of every American city. We look forward to future manly scents like "Beer Fart," "UFC Locker Room," and "August Ball Sack." 

As a famous psychopath playing a fictionalized historical figure once said, "Every man dies; Not every man truly lives." One guy who definitely did live was 67-year-old strip club enthusiast Robert Gene White, who wisely skipped out on a hefty lap dance bill by shuffling off his mortal coil. Things worked out pretty well for White, though we imagine his son probably isn't too happy about having to split his inheritance with seven women named Brandi.

"You said I could have it my way. Well my way just happens to be in a quantity that could end hunger in most struggling nations. My way does not, however, involve you handing me my 30 Cinnabons with that judgey look on your face." We hope this is just the tab for a big lunch party, and not a snapshot of the explantory receipt God gives you when you arrive in heaven after suffering a coronary.

Turn your workplace into an impromptu bachelorette party with these fashionable-yet-comfortable penis-covered slacks. Because times may change, but a field of throbbing cocks is a classic look that will never go out of style. Sure it could cause a few minor "issues" with HR, but depending on how lax your office's Casual Friday policy is, these could be entirely allowable. And isn't it worth it to find out?

< CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE >

That's not what we were thinking at all. We were just going to ask you if you knew a good place to get weirdly cut, almost-off-the-shoulder v-neck dresses. Kids graduating today are getting super creative with their yearbook quotes. We feel pretty lame having gone with, "This guy to the left of me stole my yearbook quote," especially after that guy grew so distraught from being wrongly accused of plagiarism that he hanged himself.

Consumer culture meets counterculture at Hillsdale Mall, where you can walk into Yankee Candle and literally hear what Autumn Wreath and French Vanilla sound like. Stroll into Hot Topic, and you can actually taste sadness. And don't even get us started on the talking biscotti at Starbucks. This mall is just something you have to experience to understand, man.

When they aren't busy leaving 11-minute voicemails and wiring you money because the Philosophy major they told you wouldn't work out isn't working out, we like to imagine parents surfing the information highway in their own special way. 

Whether you're in your post-college years or your mid-forties and sleeping in your old room at your parents' house, the roommate situation is a hotbed of hostility and spoiled food-borne illness. Eventually, the unwashed dishes and random pubic hair discoveries become too much to bear, and accusations and apologies are exchanged in pointed, often wonderfully clever notes. Here are some of our favorites that reveal way too much about the gross ways in which non-sex-having humans tend to co-habitate.

That landed right smack dab around 18.5%! Let this be a lesson to you kids considering trying the pot. Being high is no excuse for being a bad tipper. As long as you smoke up with a sense of justice in your heart, you'll tip well and you won't smear the reputation of potheads everywhere, scaring off servers from having to wait on "the high table." Because the last thing potheads need is for people to start refusing to bring them food.