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SIGNS
05/01/2012
The last face you want to see when you're using the bathroom.
As the man himself said in Jurassic Park, "When you gotta go, you gotta go." OK, so he forgot to add, "I will be lurking behind you with my terrifying, bugged-out eyes the entire...
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EASTER
04/08/2012
10 more Easter Bunnies more terrifying than a crucified man coming back from the dead.
"Have you ever seen the inside of a windowless van?"As hard as shopping malls try to make "going to see the Easter Bunny" a thing, it's never quite caught on like visiting...
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NOTES
03/15/2012
A high school love note that might make you pro-abstinence.
What is wrong with kids these days? Back when we were in high school, you wrote a lady a polite, romantic note to get your foot in the door, and then you creeped her out with your sex-obsessed...
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KIDS
03/13/2012
5-year-old uses crayon drawing to come to grips with his own mortality.
See, this kid gets it. Warren's not planning on playing it safe in life just to see Willard Scott project his face onto the side of a Smuckers jar in 100 years. He wants to live, damn it. And he...
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RELATIONSHIPS
02/22/2012
What it would look like if Gmail helped you make better dating decisions.
This proposed Gmail feature from Abstruse Goose is like a handy digital version of your best friends shaking their heads at you and saying, "Please don't." We hope Google Labs takes...
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VALENTINE'S DAY
02/06/2012
Flyer advertises the most cluelessly horrific family ice show ever conceived.
The Children And Family Center needs to seriously rethink the newly hired artistic director whose only previous productions were for "a small home-school in Germany." Sure, we always kind...
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CHRISTMAS SEASON
12/08/2011
A closer look at the 8 creepiest lyrics from popular Christmas songs.
1. This unsettling ode to holiday date rape is a relic of an era when "No" meant "Not if I'm conscious." 2. Congratulations on making Santa Claus sound like even more...
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CHRISTMAS SEASON
11/30/2011
19 Santas that would scare the hell out of Jesus.
It's always unnerving to voluntarily seat your child on an obese stranger's lap, no matter how much mall security assures you of a clean background check. But these Santas seem to go that...
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NOTES
11/18/2011
Note reveals creepiest lengths ever gone to give someone a compliment.
Remember, guys: A polite stalker always makes sure to leave a detailed explanation for their stalking activities — along with several assertions that they are not, in fact, a stalker —...
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LABELS
11/07/2011
A sign that your drug store employs a transsexual serial killer.
You might think Buffalo Bill met his end at the intimidatingly masculine hands of Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs, but in reality he's been living out a quiet existence as an overnight stock...
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Notes
More of the most entertaining, obnoxious, or completely insane notes written to neighbors.
Notes
More of the most awkward, entertaining, or horrifying notes ever written by a roommate.
Lists
The most hilariously effective signs supporting gay marriage.
Politics
The most romantic way to protest in support of gay marriage in North Carolina.
Comic Books
The 8 most unintentionally perverted superhero toys.
Graduation
A hilarious two-part yearbook quote that will warm your heart.
Signs
The economy summed up in one grocery store's depressing sign.
Graduation
How to infuriate an English major at their graduation ceremony.
Lists
More yearbook quotes and photos that don't bode well for our future.
Facebook
The 50 least valuable things ever posted on Facebook.
MORE POSTS »
TV
What it would look like if every Sunday night show you watch was combined into one.
TV News
Reporter's skirt adjustment nearly turns news clip into porn clip.
TV News
The most awkward conceivable way to declare you need a tan.
The Gays
The single-most deranged anti-gay rant ever read calmly into a microphone.
Food
Real-life Homer Simpson protests all-you-can-eat restaurant for cutting him off.
Videos
Kids reenact Sabotage video in honor of MCA.
Videos
Heartfelt music video about Facebook more embarrassing than your friends' status updates.
Videos
If Taxi Driver had been a Disney movie.
Mother's Day
How to compensate your mom for the grossest thing she ever did for you.
MORE VIDEOS »
Michelle Wolf
if i ever want to get back at someone i'm dating, i just wipe back to front
donni
There must be a few vegetarians who just enjoy murdering vegetables.
Rob Kutner
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend's experimental theater piece.
Megan Amram
I got out of jury duty by being the defendant
Gary Janetti
Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.
Ari Scott
I hope God is almost done putting people on this earth to sing.
Jim Gaffigan
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
Leah Beckmann
I know I'm killing it if I'm having more of "hahaha" than a "haha" gchat kind of day.
Molly McNearney
How did we ever cross busy intersections before texting and walking?
Shari Vanderwerf
Oh yeah? Well I can lose weight, but you'll always be a dressing room mirror.
Clarke Kant
It's amazing to see the differences between twins. For example, my precious daughter has so much more self-confidence than my fat idiot son.
Wickedwordslinger
Deleting a substandard tweet is my version of a courtesy flush.
Will Phillips
Sure glad we can't smell things on the inside of our body.
Amber Eeeeeee
it's methamphetaMINE not methamphetaYOURS
Julian McCullough
Celebrity deaths are the "beach ball at a concert" of twitter.
Scott Gilmore
Let me repeat that. Bono made 1.5 billion dollars this morning. Then gave a speech at the G8 summit calling for more aid to Africa.
Josh Hara
Let's just say if I found out the Dalai Lama strangled a few squirrels to death I wouldn't be surprised.
Wickedwordslinger
The way things are going my best retirement plan is going to be death.
Rex Huppke
Torn between buying one-fifth of a share of Facebook stock, a gallon of gas or a Venti soy latte.
Jenny Johnson
I think it's super cute of Kim Kardashian to remind us why she's famous. http://t.co/RLgkCGQx
MORE TWEETS »
News
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
Advice
Advice column receives letter from worst man you could possibly sleep with.
Mondays
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
News
How every man wants to die.
Weddings
10 hilariously disastrous weddings we wish we'd been invited to.
Headlines
How not to treat a 79-year-old world-renowned actor.
Headlines
How an attempt at the perfect prom photo can go horribly wrong.
Headlines
Headline about gay marriage succeeds in being as blatantly sexual as possible.
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Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.
I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
I just want you to know that Amish you.
There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work on Mondays.
Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.
If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas.
Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder.
I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.
However old you are is the new 30.
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