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Death
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NEWS
05/17/2012
How every man wants to die.
As a famous psychopath playing a fictionalized historical figure once said, "Every man dies; Not every man truly lives." One guy who definitely did live was 67-year-old strip club...
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KIDS
04/30/2012
A children's song about death that is infinitely scarier than death.
Right at the beginning, when we saw a child lip synching an adult voice, we were pretty sure we'd died and gone to hell. Sadly, that wasn't even the creepy part. What's with the...
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PRODUCTS
03/29/2012
A coffin that looks as delicious as the food that killed you.
No one likes talking about their own mortality, but with this bacon-wrapped death box, you'll be salivating over it, What better way to go to your final resting place than in a casket that...
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KIDS
03/13/2012
5-year-old uses crayon drawing to come to grips with his own mortality.
See, this kid gets it. Warren's not planning on playing it safe in life just to see Willard Scott project his face onto the side of a Smuckers jar in 100 years. He wants to live, damn it. And he...
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KIDS
03/12/2012
Child uses homework assignment to inadvertently threaten father's life.
This child may be plotting his father's imminent demise, but at least he plans to keep visiting. Mostly to laugh maniacally in the rain while shouting "Who's the disappointing tee-ball...
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TWITTER
03/09/2012
The last Twitter feed on Earth you'd expect to give props on the anniversary of a rapper's murder.
Okay, whose grandson is in charge of the AARP Twitter account? We know we're getting pretty old, but this couldn't have possibly been the work of an actual 62-year-old. That would make them...
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CELEBRITIES
02/16/2012
The weirdest possible headline connected to Whitney Houston's death.
Check it out, Bin Laden was just like us! This is the best reason ever to hope that there's no such thing as an afterlife. Whitney will be in heaven still beautiful and clean from her bath, and...
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FACEBOOK
01/10/2012
How to post inane status updates on Facebook even after you're dead.
You can't know when you're going to die which means you can't know when to delete your browser history so everyone's going to know who you've been stalking and what particular...
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SOMEWHAT TOPICAL
12/19/2011
How Kim Jong-Il's obituary would look if it was written by Kim Jong-Il.
(By Chase Mitchell for HappyPlace.com)
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WORKPLACE
12/05/2011
What your desk at work will tragically look like one day.
This is how most of us figure we'll end up someday: A slow, agonizing death by way of a lethal combination of frustration, stress, exposure to Top 40 radio from the cubicle next door, and eye...
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I got out of jury duty by being the defendant
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Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.
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I hope God is almost done putting people on this earth to sing.
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If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
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I know I'm killing it if I'm having more of "hahaha" than a "haha" gchat kind of day.
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How did we ever cross busy intersections before texting and walking?
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Oh yeah? Well I can lose weight, but you'll always be a dressing room mirror.
Clarke Kant
It's amazing to see the differences between twins. For example, my precious daughter has so much more self-confidence than my fat idiot son.
Wickedwordslinger
Deleting a substandard tweet is my version of a courtesy flush.
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Sure glad we can't smell things on the inside of our body.
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it's methamphetaMINE not methamphetaYOURS
Julian McCullough
Celebrity deaths are the "beach ball at a concert" of twitter.
Scott Gilmore
Let me repeat that. Bono made 1.5 billion dollars this morning. Then gave a speech at the G8 summit calling for more aid to Africa.
Josh Hara
Let's just say if I found out the Dalai Lama strangled a few squirrels to death I wouldn't be surprised.
Wickedwordslinger
The way things are going my best retirement plan is going to be death.
Rex Huppke
Torn between buying one-fifth of a share of Facebook stock, a gallon of gas or a Venti soy latte.
Jenny Johnson
I think it's super cute of Kim Kardashian to remind us why she's famous. http://t.co/RLgkCGQx
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Advice column receives letter from worst man you could possibly sleep with.
Mondays
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
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How every man wants to die.
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