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GADGETS
05/15/2012
The best way to protect your iPad from your disgusting libido.
Stop abusing your favorite gadget the way you abuse yourself. For the masturbation enthusiast who enjoys his porn on the eye-popping iPad screen but doesn't enjoy things like controlling his aim,...
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GADGETS
03/16/2012
Uses for your old iPad.
If you can take a break from scanning your brand new iPad for articles about the rumored features to be added to the next iPad, this chart might help you deal with the $500 glass and aluminum...
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HAPPY PLACE ORIGINAL
03/07/2012
Get an exclusive first look at today's shockingly obnoxious presentation of the iPad 3.
The presentation in San Francisco is going to be starting in just under an hour, but the display slides have already been leaked. Here's an exclusive first peek at the brand new iPad 3! After...
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TWEET
Chase Mitchell
03/07/2012
iPad 3 is expected to have HD resolution, which will give you a crisp, clear view of the "Flash Player not supported on this device" screen.
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POLLS
02/02/2012
This is a real poll on the CNN homepage.
Remember when James Earl Jones announcing "This is CNN" made the network sound somewhat reputable? Now those words sound more along the lines of "Look, this is who I am and I can't...
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HAPPY PLACE ORIGINAL
01/27/2012
New iPad app protects you from the horrifying truth of how your iPad was made.
Now that the NY Times and the rest of the media seems determined to remind us how much human sorrow and agony went into the manufacture of our iPads, it's about time for an app that lets...
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PRODUCTS
01/22/2012
New iPad accessory for insufferable hipsters and/or Angela Lansbury.
Are you dying to take a revolutionary piece of 21st century technology and make it 200 years less amazing out of some misguided attempt to make yourself seem more interesting? Meet the Typescreen,...
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APPLE
01/16/2012
If Apple made toilets.
The time has come for overzealous consumers to literally crap their money away on Apple products. Designer Milos Paripovic has offered us a long-overdue vision of functional elegance you can...
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INNOVATION
10/06/2011
Inventions that prove we as a species are doomed without Steve Jobs.
(The Ostrich - A head-covering to help you take naps in public places, like in the break room at work, or in court when you're waiting for a jury of your peers to return with their verdict.)A...
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SYMPATHY
10/06/2011
Sad competition.
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I stay up at night worrying about what happens to the unquestioned Jeopardy answers.
kelly oxford
It's Morrissey's birthday today; spend a minute thinking about how crazy it is that he never killed himself.
h. jon benjamin
so far today, i read the ny times and googled 'hulk porn'
jon hendren
"i'm a passionate gamer" says incredible waste of human life
Michael Ian Black
Pretty sure most people aren't spending nearly enough time thinking about me.
IanWearsPants
I don't think I've ever initiated a conversation.
Matt Koff
LinkedIn is just one more way I've never connected with my dad.
MJ
I always make out with the entire restaurant staff before I eat anywhere, just so they know that spitting in my food won't be necessary.
Alex Blagg
I bet a chronological list of everything I've "liked" on the Internet would read like a short story about a man falling apart.
Michelle Wolf
if i ever want to get back at someone i'm dating, i just wipe back to front
donni
There must be a few vegetarians who just enjoy murdering vegetables.
Rob Kutner
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend's experimental theater piece.
Megan Amram
I got out of jury duty by being the defendant
Gary Janetti
Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.
Ari Scott
I hope God is almost done putting people on this earth to sing.
Jim Gaffigan
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
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Advice column receives letter from worst man you could possibly sleep with.
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Mondays
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
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Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.
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Sorry I can't make it to your party, dinner, or event because I want to watch previously recorded television.
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I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.
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