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GADGETS
05/15/2012
The best way to protect your iPad from your disgusting libido.
Stop abusing your favorite gadget the way you abuse yourself. For the masturbation enthusiast who enjoys his porn on the eye-popping iPad screen but doesn't enjoy things like controlling his aim,...
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CELEBRITIES
05/08/2012
The most pun-filled discussion of the John Travolta massage scandal on Facebook.
If there's one thing John Travolta should have realized before (allegedly) groping his male masseuse, it's that the internet would be mocking the incident almost before he even had a chance...
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NOTES
05/03/2012
The most humiliating gift a mother could ever give her son.
Congratulations to this mom on screwing with her son's mind even more than he screws his own hand. It's bad enough to find out your mother is disturbingly well-versed in playful euphemisms...
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SEX
03/20/2012
Walgreens website makes bold entry into sex toy market.
<CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE>Congratuations to Walgreens for not just openly selling sex toys, but for sounding downright proud of just how awesome your sex toy really is. The writer of this copy...
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STOP KONY
03/19/2012
How to get Facebook friends to mix up a Kony 2012 co-founder with another famous public masturbator.
Maybe not as fun as accusing people of being racist for mistaking Apollo Creed for Kony, but still, they should be ashamed for thinking that Pee Wee Herman and Invisible Children co-founder Jason...
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SEX
01/30/2012
The most sweetly perverted inspirational poster ever.
This lovely sentiment from Stuff No One Told Me falls into the category of things that make you go "awww" and "ewww" in quick succession. If this was in a Hallmark store you'd...
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SIGNS
11/16/2011
The most sexually graphic warning notice ever posted by a university library.
We realize St. Andrews Library is uncomfortable with the amount of ejaculate its janitor is having to mop up on a daily basis, not to mention to potential liability for slips and falls, but isn't...
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VIDEOS
09/29/2011
New product combines exercise with sexual humiliation.
Toss that Shake Weight out the window like the filthy apparatus of perversion it is, because the Free Flexor is here to revolutionize the way you look ridiculous during a workout. Offering the latest...
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SIGNS
08/29/2011
Helpful sign warns against handling of merchandise or genitals.
This sign is worded just ambiguously enough to give you a little bit of an explanation when the officer asks why you walked up to the cash register with your pants around your ankles. Even better,...
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CHARTS
07/29/2011
A sex guide for people no one wants to have sex with.
If you don't have any plans yet this weekend, consider perusing this handy visual guide for adventurous masturbators. There are plenty of exotic, innovative, potentially dangerous new options...
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Notes
More of the most awkward, entertaining, or horrifying notes ever written by a roommate.
Photoshop
How to use Photoshop to make it look like your drunk friend had the night of his life.
Notes
Overprotective mom and dad leave extremely different goodbye notes.
Cartoons
What your entire life looks like when you're too picky about who you date.
Signs
Bathroom sign imposes unbelievably bizarre restriction.
Signs
Restaurant delivers best possible response to bad internet review.
Happy Place Original
What a brutally honest college diploma looks like.
Notes
More of the most entertaining, obnoxious, or completely insane notes written to neighbors.
Sex
The most convincing sales pitch for condoms in the history of procreation.
Lists
Stephen Colbert named 69th most beautiful woman in the world.
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TV News
Reporter's skirt adjustment nearly turns news clip into porn clip.
TV News
The most awkward conceivable way to declare you need a tan.
The Gays
The single-most deranged anti-gay rant ever read calmly into a microphone.
TV
What it would look like if every Sunday night show you watch was combined into one.
Food
Real-life Homer Simpson protests all-you-can-eat restaurant for cutting him off.
Videos
Heartfelt music video about Facebook more embarrassing than your friends' status updates.
Videos
Kids reenact Sabotage video in honor of MCA.
Videos
If Taxi Driver had been a Disney movie.
Mother's Day
How to compensate your mom for the grossest thing she ever did for you.
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Ben Greenman
Facebook stock should have its own Timeline so it can look back on happier days, like last Friday.
Jenny Johnson
Most people don't know this, but you can quietly be a Republican or a Democrat.
Ken Jennings
Matthew Fox is like the Windows XP of Jon Hamm.
Nicole Betz
I stay up at night worrying about what happens to the unquestioned Jeopardy answers.
kelly oxford
It's Morrissey's birthday today; spend a minute thinking about how crazy it is that he never killed himself.
h. jon benjamin
so far today, i read the ny times and googled 'hulk porn'
jon hendren
"i'm a passionate gamer" says incredible waste of human life
Michael Ian Black
Pretty sure most people aren't spending nearly enough time thinking about me.
IanWearsPants
I don't think I've ever initiated a conversation.
Matt Koff
LinkedIn is just one more way I've never connected with my dad.
MJ
I always make out with the entire restaurant staff before I eat anywhere, just so they know that spitting in my food won't be necessary.
Alex Blagg
I bet a chronological list of everything I've "liked" on the Internet would read like a short story about a man falling apart.
Michelle Wolf
if i ever want to get back at someone i'm dating, i just wipe back to front
donni
There must be a few vegetarians who just enjoy murdering vegetables.
Rob Kutner
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend's experimental theater piece.
Megan Amram
I got out of jury duty by being the defendant
Gary Janetti
Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.
Ari Scott
I hope God is almost done putting people on this earth to sing.
Jim Gaffigan
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
Leah Beckmann
I know I'm killing it if I'm having more of "hahaha" than a "haha" gchat kind of day.
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Headlines
One of the most creatively disgusting ways to get revenge on your boss.
News
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
Advice
Advice column receives letter from worst man you could possibly sleep with.
News
How every man wants to die.
Headlines
How not to treat a 79-year-old world-renowned actor.
Headlines
How an attempt at the perfect prom photo can go horribly wrong.
Mondays
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
Headlines
Headline about gay marriage succeeds in being as blatantly sexual as possible.
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Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.
No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.
Sorry I can't make it to your party, dinner, or event because I want to watch previously recorded television.
Here's to the Yankees and Red Sox making their historic rivalry a battle for last place.
I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.
Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.
I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summertime.
There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work on Mondays.
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