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NEWS
05/21/2012
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
5. Facebook shareholders - On only its second day of trading, investors already seem to be unfriending Facebook en masse. Or clicking the "dislike" button — whichever hackneyed...
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NEWS
05/17/2012
How every man wants to die.
As a famous psychopath playing a fictionalized historical figure once said, "Every man dies; Not every man truly lives." One guy who definitely did live was 67-year-old strip club...
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FOOD
05/16/2012
Real-life Homer Simpson protests all-you-can-eat restaurant for cutting him off.
Everything about this news story just screams "America," from the fact that an overweight man was dissatisfied with a monstrous portion of food, to his inalienable right to protest it, to...
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MONDAYS
05/14/2012
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
5. Everyone at JPMorgan Chase - Heads are rolling at the biggest bank in America, which suddenly has a lot of Fabergé egg on its face after a disastrous derivatives trade left the company with...
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TV NEWS
05/14/2012
Reporter's skirt adjustment nearly turns news clip into porn clip.
But she was just inches away from getting a major exclusive! We'd laugh harder at this, but we can't help but think of all the embarrassing things that would be broadcast if a live TV camera...
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NEWS
04/30/2012
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
5. Everyone who works at the Today Show - ABC's Good Morning America has trounced its competition for the second week in a row. Maybe Today should let all of its anchors be more like Kathie Lee...
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TV
04/25/2012
News segment doubles as lonely reporter's cry for help.
We've long suspected CNN viewers are clinically depressed, but here's the undeniable proof. Don't miss their segment tomorrow on knitting sweaters for your pets, leaving voicemails for...
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CHARTS
04/24/2012
A helpful flowchart for anyone who thinks they're funny on Twitter.
We've found it: the formula for crafting a successful Twitter joke. Or at least, the formula for coming to terms with the fact that you're a miserable failure at crafting successful Twitter...
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NEWS
04/23/2012
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
5. Metta World Peace - The Deranged Professional Basketball Player Formerly Known As Ron Artest will have to convince people he renamed himself ironically after leveling James Harden with an elbow...
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4/20
04/20/2012
The 8 most ridiculous crimes ever committed by people on drugs.
We'd take this any day over the way our creepy uncle gets high and "spreads the Christmas spirit."In honor of this completely arbitrary 24-hour celebration of a substance that is...
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It's Morrissey's birthday today; spend a minute thinking about how crazy it is that he never killed himself.
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so far today, i read the ny times and googled 'hulk porn'
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"i'm a passionate gamer" says incredible waste of human life
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Pretty sure most people aren't spending nearly enough time thinking about me.
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I bet a chronological list of everything I've "liked" on the Internet would read like a short story about a man falling apart.
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if i ever want to get back at someone i'm dating, i just wipe back to front
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There must be a few vegetarians who just enjoy murdering vegetables.
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I got out of jury duty by being the defendant
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Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.
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I hope God is almost done putting people on this earth to sing.
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5 people having a worse Monday than you.
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Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.
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I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.
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