Funny tweets on Happy Place. The funniest tweets from Twitter.

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Damien Fahey yesterday

"Don't steal, don't kill, put some stuff on your forehead, maybe sometimes don't eat meat? Look, I'm clearly running out of ideas here" -God
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Jenny Johnson yesterday

Happy Pretend Your Co-Workers Don't Look Creepy When They Come Back From Lunch With Black Shit Smeared Across Their Foreheads Day!!!!
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charles yesterday

"Hey, my eyes are down here." - Catholic woman on Ash Wednesday
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Brandon Gardner yesterday

It's International "Surprise! I'm Catholic" Day
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Jenny Johnson yesterday

I'd say you're more of a mix between an Ewok and a hooker. RT @KimKardashian : I'm such a mix between Charlotte and Carrie!
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Julius Sharpe yesterday

Guys, don't be nervous about getting married. 40% of it is just pretending to be excited about new storage containers.
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molly yesterday

I just need closure = I want to make myself look insane to my ex.
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Rex Huppke yesterday

"I had my priest use the charred dust of a cayenne-infused duck confit." - Ash Wednesday foodie
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Frank Genzano 02/21/2012

Chris Brown and Rihanna are back like peas and whatever kicks carrots in the ribs.
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Neal Brennan 02/21/2012

Lent is Catholic fraternity hazing.
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Joe Mande 08/03/2011

http://amzn.to/pnjTUj // RT @SenJohnMcCain : Anyone have more recommendations for good reads in August?
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Lauren Sivan 11/10/2011

Fun! I'm counting loose change to pay for my medication "@ParisHilton : Just had best massage & now laying out by the pool & loving life!"
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Louis Peitzman 12/01/2011

How many reindeer fit inside you? RT @CourtneyStodden Dear Sweet Santa of Seduction: won't you take a rapturous ride in my slippery sleigh?
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Jason Mustian 02/02/2012

Getting your weather report from a rodent is no dumber than getting your news from FOX.
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Joe Mande 01/05/2012

...in a pie-eating contest. RT @newtgingrich : First you win the argument, then you win the vote. I'm the one candidate who can beat Obama.
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Alex Blagg 02/01/2012

"Nevermind I'll buy something like youuuu." -- me dramatically deciding not to purchase the expensive name brand cereal at a grocery store
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Mike Leffingwell 02/09/2012

My dog always seems genuinely surprised that I'm not on board with him trying to fuck my children.
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Frank Conniff 02/17/2012

Obama is trying to paint a rosy outlook for America but he can't deny that a Ghost Rider sequel happened during his watch.
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Brendan McLaughlin 02/21/2012

If you watch "Tower Heist" in HD, you can see all of the actors' regret.
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Chase Mitchell 02/21/2012

Can't believe Rihanna is back with Chris Brown. It's like she didn't even SEE all of our hilarious tweets about him.
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Alec Sulkin 02/21/2012

I wish there was a bobble head me that could listen to women talk about their dreams.
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Chris Kelly 02/21/2012

The scariest moment is when I realize the high-five doesn't end there.
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Jim Gaffigan 02/21/2012

Eating hummus is the closest I will ever come to a fasting.
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Aaron Blitzstein 02/21/2012

"All I know is he's up there with the door locked, ruining a LOT of socks." - Jim Henson's dad
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Rex Huppke 02/21/2012

IF YOU THINK A JOKE ON SOCIAL MEDIA IS NOT FUNNY OR INAPPROPRIATE MAKE SURE YOU RESPOND BY SAYING "NOT FUNNY" SO IT GETS FIXED
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