Funny tweets on Happy Place. The funniest tweets from Twitter.

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Jenny Johnson yesterday

Most people don't know this, but you can quietly be a Republican or a Democrat.
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Ken Jennings yesterday

Matthew Fox is like the Windows XP of Jon Hamm.
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Michael Ian Black yesterday

Pretty sure most people aren't spending nearly enough time thinking about me.
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jon hendren yesterday

"i'm a passionate gamer" says incredible waste of human life
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h. jon benjamin yesterday

so far today, i read the ny times and googled 'hulk porn'
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Ben Greenman yesterday

Facebook stock should have its own Timeline so it can look back on happier days, like last Friday.
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Matt Koff yesterday

LinkedIn is just one more way I've never connected with my dad.
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IanWearsPants yesterday

I don't think I've ever initiated a conversation.
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kelly oxford yesterday

It's Morrissey's birthday today; spend a minute thinking about how crazy it is that he never killed himself.
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MJ yesterday

I always make out with the entire restaurant staff before I eat anywhere, just so they know that spitting in my food won't be necessary.
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Alex Blagg yesterday

I bet a chronological list of everything I've "liked" on the Internet would read like a short story about a man falling apart.
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Nicole Betz yesterday

I stay up at night worrying about what happens to the unquestioned Jeopardy answers.
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May 21st
Michelle Wolf 05/21/2012

if i ever want to get back at someone i'm dating, i just wipe back to front
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Gary Janetti 05/21/2012

Never getting married. I don't need a piece of paper to tell me it's okay to emotionally torture someone.
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Megan Amram 05/21/2012

I got out of jury duty by being the defendant
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Rob Kutner 05/21/2012

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend's experimental theater piece.
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donni 05/21/2012

There must be a few vegetarians who just enjoy murdering vegetables.
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Leah Beckmann 05/21/2012

I know I'm killing it if I'm having more of "hahaha" than a "haha" gchat kind of day.
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Jim Gaffigan 05/21/2012

If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
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Ari Scott 05/21/2012

I hope God is almost done putting people on this earth to sing.
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Shari Vanderwerf 05/21/2012

Oh yeah? Well I can lose weight, but you'll always be a dressing room mirror.
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Will Phillips 05/21/2012

Sure glad we can't smell things on the inside of our body.
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Wickedwordslinger 05/21/2012

Deleting a substandard tweet is my version of a courtesy flush.
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Clarke Kant 05/21/2012

It's amazing to see the differences between twins. For example, my precious daughter has so much more self-confidence than my fat idiot son.
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May 18th
Scott Gilmore 05/18/2012

Let me repeat that. Bono made 1.5 billion dollars this morning. Then gave a speech at the G8 summit calling for more aid to Africa.
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