Funny tweets on Happy Place. The funniest tweets from Twitter.

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Wickedwordslinger 05/18/2012

The way things are going my best retirement plan is going to be death.
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Rex Huppke 05/18/2012

Torn between buying one-fifth of a share of Facebook stock, a gallon of gas or a Venti soy latte.
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May 17th
Julian McCullough 05/17/2012

Celebrity deaths are the "beach ball at a concert" of twitter.
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Matt Goldich 05/17/2012

Tomorrow's trending topics: "MySpace", "Friendster", "You Know What's Cool?" and "A Billion Dollars".
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rob delaney 05/17/2012

One that made a lot of money. RT @mashable : If you had a time machine, which company would you go back & invest in?
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Jenny Johnson 05/17/2012

I think it's super cute of Kim Kardashian to remind us why she's famous. http://t.co/RLgkCGQx
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Clarke Kant 05/17/2012

My obituary will read: He's now dead on the outside too.
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Megan Amram 05/17/2012

Paper was just invented by Hallmark to sell more greeting cards
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will weldon 05/17/2012

"I guess you're right." - No one on the internet
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Michael Caine 05/17/2012

Just read another story about me being locked in attick, completely false.
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Matt Koff 05/17/2012

If you think childbirth is difficult, try seamlessly ending an IM conversation!
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Chase Mitchell 05/17/2012

Can't wait to talk to my therapist about the psychological damage caused by her waiting room not having Wi-Fi.
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Nick Nolte's Mugshot 05/17/2012

Dizzy this morning. Woke up inside a cement mixer again.
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Alex Baze 05/17/2012

Everybody wonders if they're fat and nobody wonders if they're boring.
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Eli Braden 05/17/2012

What's your favorite Toto song about a continent? Mine's probably 'Africa'.
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May 16th
Damien Fahey 05/16/2012

When someone tells me about a book they've read, I pretentiously say, "Oh, I don't even own a book."
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Andrés du Bouchet 05/16/2012

Has you noticed the many difference between how white guys dance and New York City? (post brain trauma standup)
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Michael Hartney 05/16/2012

Loneliness is opening that email with the subject line "Hey Cutie", even though you're pretty sure you don't know ShavedCoed @spamporn .biz.
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Rob Kutner 05/16/2012

Yo Yo Ma is the most talented cellist who also sounds like a Long Island Kid's last cries while drowning.
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kelly oxford 05/16/2012

If you ever think "I should probably just give my penis a quick wash"? you definitely have to go and wash your penis.
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Bob Powers 05/16/2012

Chop't has a salad with Fritos in it so I'm done listening to you bad mouth this country.
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Wade 05/16/2012

Skechers Shape-ups may have been found guilty of false advertising, but I got plenty of exercise laughing at people who wore them.
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Fun_Beard 05/16/2012

Do people who live on farms know about not living on farms?
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Eli Braden 05/16/2012

#SignsAPersonCantCook He or she has been dead for over 25 years
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Josh Hara 05/16/2012

Most of the people at the airport shouldn't be allowed out of the airport.
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