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Chase Mitchell 05/17/2012

Can't wait to talk to my therapist about the psychological damage caused by her waiting room not having Wi-Fi.
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Chase Mitchell 05/15/2012

How many shares of Facebook stock do I have to buy to disable my mom's "Like" button?
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Chase Mitchell 05/09/2012

Somewhere there's a massage scheduled today for a Mr. Tron Javolta.
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Chase Mitchell 05/07/2012

My only motivation for getting to know my neighbors is to have a better shot at guessing their wifi passwords.
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Chase Mitchell 05/02/2012

When I die, bury me in a Doritos Locos taco shell.
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Chase Mitchell 04/26/2012

We need to stop babying babies so much.
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Chase Mitchell 04/23/2012

The police chief in the Trayvon Martin case is resigning to spend more time not arresting murderers with his family.
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Chase Mitchell 04/19/2012

I'll wait to hear Mel Gibson's latest anti-Semitic rant until they release the boxed set.
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Chase Mitchell 04/11/2012

Axl Rose has backed out of his Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction after a less-than-satisfying Yelp search for "Cleveland Chinese buffets."
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Chase Mitchell 04/10/2012

If Santorum ever wants to get into acting, there's always a role for him as "band teacher who may have touched that kid" on Law & Order SVU.
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Chase Mitchell 04/09/2012

If you're still making Instagram jokes, you've officially put more thought into this buy-out than Mark Zuckerberg.
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Chase Mitchell 04/04/2012

The CEO of Arby's comes up with all of his best ideas while going down on his wife.
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Chase Mitchell 03/28/2012

Scientists say men who drink beer daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.
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Chase Mitchell 03/26/2012

Good thing all of our best heart doctors are focused on saving Dick Cheney and Gallagher.
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Chase Mitchell 03/22/2012

One of my tweets is in the NY Post today. If only my high school class could see me now, they'd be all "shut up fag" and "what's a tweet"
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Chase Mitchell 03/16/2012

Maybe Jason Russell is dying of cancer and he just has a really weird bucket list.
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Chase Mitchell 03/09/2012

Not even Eddie Murphy's sad decline is funny anymore.
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Chase Mitchell 03/07/2012

iPad 3 is expected to have HD resolution, which will give you a crisp, clear view of the "Flash Player not supported on this device" screen.
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Chase Mitchell 03/01/2012

Sad about Andrew Breitbart dying young. I feel like he had so much left to be wrong about.
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Chase Mitchell 02/28/2012

Don't tell me you have a "chocolate lab" if you're just talking about a kind of dog.
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Chase Mitchell 02/24/2012

Noticed a lot of bands are skipping "hip obscurity" entirely and going straight to "Honda commercial."
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Chase Mitchell 02/21/2012

Can't believe Rihanna is back with Chris Brown. It's like she didn't even SEE all of our hilarious tweets about him.
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Chase Mitchell 02/15/2012

I would have felt a lot worse for Bill Murray in Groundhog Day if his Groundhog Day had been Valentine's Day.
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Chase Mitchell 02/14/2012

The Valentine's Day gift my girlfriend is most excited about is me not asking her if my tweets are funny.
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Chase Mitchell 02/09/2012

Gary Busey is a walking Nick Nolte mugshot.
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