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Artie Johann 05/11/2012

I'd like to hear Tony the Tiger's opinion on other products before he tells me how great his cereal is.
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Artie Johann 05/04/2012

Does anyone know if John Cougar Mellencamp grew up in a town of a particular size?
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Artie Johann 02/21/2012

Sometimes, as a joke, I'll enroll online at the University of Phoenix and try to get good grades then graduate.
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Artie Johann 09/16/2011

It never hurts to wear a suit to bed, this way if you die in your sleep no one will ever think you were a jerk-off-into-a-sock guy.
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Artie Johann 09/01/2011

I wanna take the class in medical school where they teach you how to keep your composure while examining really good looking people.
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Artie Johann 08/26/2011

The best part about my wife being out of town is shitting with the door open and pretending I forgot I invited my neighbor over.
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Artie Johann 07/12/2011

"I didn't ask for all this attention" - Coconut water
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Artie Johann 07/11/2011

One of the advantages of being a werewolf is never having to hear people say "Did you see the moon tonight?!" They know you did.
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Artie Johann 05/27/2011

"You're smothering me." - Matthew McConaughey's mirror
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Artie Johann 04/28/2011

I guess we're still waiting for that "Thank You" note from horses for inventing cars.
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Artie Johann 04/01/2011

Some people go their whole lives without ever knowing what's wrong with Seal's face.
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Artie Johann 01/31/2011

Is Valentine's Day the one where you put on a mask and watch your neighbor play with his kid?
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Artie Johann 01/25/2011

The hardest part about reading is the part where you watch TV instead.
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Artie Johann 01/05/2011

When in doubt, do the opposite of whatever the guy in black jeans does.
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Artie Johann 12/13/2010

If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.
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Artie Johann 11/08/2010

200 years ago joggers would have been institutionalized.
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Artie Johann 10/27/2010

You can tell a lot about a person by what they resort to when they run out of toilet paper.
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Artie Johann 10/14/2010

I feel like I'm a guy who takes other people's seats.
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Artie Johann 10/07/2010

There sure aren't many people out there who want to be friends at my convenience.
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Artie Johann 09/22/2010

If you're showering after 1 AM, something bad happened.
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Artie Johann 09/17/2010

My posture can be best described as "the third guy in the evolution of man."
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Artie Johann 09/01/2010

I could have invented the fuckin' Arnold Palmer.
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