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Louis Peitzman 03/30/2012

January Jones' placenta. #WorstSNLHosts
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Louis Peitzman 03/01/2012

I feel bad for pills that they get associated with Rush Limbaugh.
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Louis Peitzman 02/29/2012

Boring. Let us know when you're barely legal. RT @justinbieber almost legal
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Louis Peitzman 02/27/2012

"What are lox?" - my goy friend at last night's Oscar party. We had a good laugh, but no, he won't be invited back.
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Louis Peitzman 01/03/2012

My interests include complaining about not being invited to things, and flaking on the things I'm invited to.
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Louis Peitzman 12/01/2011

How many reindeer fit inside you? RT @CourtneyStodden Dear Sweet Santa of Seduction: won't you take a rapturous ride in my slippery sleigh?
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Louis Peitzman 11/02/2011

It's hard to believe the country that gave us feta cheese and sodomy could be in this much trouble.
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Louis Peitzman 09/02/2011

I wish I were in Breaking Bad, minus the meth. And the drama. And Walt. I wish I were spooning Aaron Paul, is what I'm saying.
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Louis Peitzman 08/30/2011

Doing a bunch of stretches that could easily be misconstrued as sex with a ghost.
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Louis Peitzman 08/22/2011

Another angry commenter asked how I'd feel if Kim Kardashian were my daughter. Wealthy enough to pay others to feel for me, that's how.
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Louis Peitzman 08/11/2011

Doing good deeds makes you feel awesome inside, especially when they're in public and everyone sees them and tells you how great you are!
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Louis Peitzman 08/10/2011

I can't wait till funerals are just a bunch of people staring at an animated GIF wall of the deceased.
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Louis Peitzman 08/05/2011

I've never felt more alone than when listening to "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" on hold with Walgreens, trying to refill my Prozac.
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Louis Peitzman 07/06/2011

Please tell me if you have a crush on me so I can explain why you're wrong.
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Louis Peitzman 06/30/2011

"My English is so bad." - non-native English speakers whose English is better than most Americans'
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Louis Peitzman 06/29/2011

I hope sitting in my locked apartment with a blanket, my laptop, and a giant cup of coffee doesn't make me look unapproachable.
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Louis Peitzman 06/20/2011

Pretty sure I'm eating York Peppermint Patties wrong.
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Louis Peitzman 05/26/2011

The Autobiography of Malcolm-Jamal Warner. #lessinterestingbooks
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Louis Peitzman 05/17/2011

If you pulled Stretch Armstrong too hard he leaked corn syrup all over, and weirdly that's what I imagine sex with Schwarzenegger is like.
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Louis Peitzman 05/11/2011

Saw a guy on a gay dating site put a penny on his dick to show scale. Knew there was a reason they kept those in circulation.
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Louis Peitzman 05/10/2011

They should make a site for all the dumb shit people say when they're stoned, or maybe we could just keep using this one.
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Louis Peitzman 05/09/2011

"Not before my coffee" is my "not without my daughter."
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Louis Peitzman 05/04/2011

Happy Star Wars Day! I'm gluing cinnamon buns to the side of my head, Princess Leia-style. Then I'm eating them, Carrie Fisher-style.
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Louis Peitzman 04/22/2011

Things Jesus and I have in common: Judaism, Jesus complex.
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Louis Peitzman 04/14/2011

No one hates how excited I get over brunch more than I do.
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