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Mike Drucker 05/10/2012

Mitt Romney is a combination of all the bad guys from Animal House.
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Mike Drucker 05/03/2012

If Romney were President, he would've put Osama Bin Laden on double secret probation.
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Mike Drucker 05/01/2012

How long do you think it will take between the cloning of a dinosaur and someone trying to fuck it? Need to know for a friend.
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Mike Drucker 04/25/2012

According to the Myers-Briggs test, I'm a Miranda.
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Mike Drucker 03/16/2012

I'm glad George Clooney getting arrested is finally calling attention to George Clooney getting arrested.
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Mike Drucker 03/07/2012

Today was Apple's annual shaming of the poor.
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Mike Drucker 02/17/2012

Cashier just asked me if I'm okay. http://t.co/6AKvSNlD
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Mike Drucker 02/09/2012

It took me ten minutes to make the wrong decision to tweet that last joke.
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Mike Drucker 02/03/2012

"I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercialism." - Americans
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Mike Drucker 11/17/2011

I may not agree with what you say, but I will casually sign a worthless online petition for your right to say it.
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Mike Drucker 11/11/2011

Stop saying "11/11/11" only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That's how time works.
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Mike Drucker 11/03/2011

I sometimes feel like I'm just paid to not look at porn for 8 hours.
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Mike Drucker 10/04/2011

I predict the new iPhone will feature things I don't need and be bought when I'm most depressed.
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Mike Drucker 10/03/2011

Facebook is now just a Twitter that makes you feel bad for not wishing people Happy Birthday.
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Mike Drucker 08/24/2011

"I dunno, man. Just think it's creepy to date a girl with the same body and name as you." - Friends of Pac-Man
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Mike Drucker 07/26/2011

Trainer at the gym looks at me the same way Dr. Drew looks at celebrities.
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Mike Drucker 07/26/2011

If there are two things Americans are good at, it's math.
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Mike Drucker 07/21/2011

Saw an article that says "Friends With Benefits" sends the wrong message to kids. I agree: shitty movies are never okay.
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Mike Drucker 07/20/2011

My only goal in life is to never be CNN stock-footage fat.
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Mike Drucker 07/07/2011

Saw a CNN story titled, "Is Sex Advice In 'Transformers 3' Better Than Nothing?" Turned off my computer. Lit my journalism degree on fire.
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Mike Drucker 04/27/2011

Nice try, Mr. President, but if your birth certificate was made in 1961, WHY IS IT IN PDF FORMAT?!
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Mike Drucker 04/20/2011

4/20 is to potheads what Thanksgiving is to potheads.
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Mike Drucker 04/14/2011

If I were shooting a porno, "Don't fall in love" is something the director would have to keep telling me.
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Mike Drucker 04/05/2011

MSNBC: "Obama Rejects GOP Budget" Fox News: "GOP Rejects Obama Budget" CNN: "OMG CHARLIE SHEEN WORE A SHINY THING LOL!"
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Mike Drucker 04/04/2011

"I do a little of this and a little of that." - Guy who does nothing.
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