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Sam Grittner 03/26/2012

Just realized I'm going to have to rearrange my schedule so I'll never have to interact with this particular "Sandwich Artist" ever again.
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Sam Grittner 03/13/2012

Pretty sure the vibration of my iPhone is all I'd need to hear in order to wake up from a coma.
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Sam Grittner 03/08/2012

I celebrate International Women's Day by going to my local CVS & torching all their 'JUST FOR MEN' products while screaming: 'NOT TODAY!!!'
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Sam Grittner 03/07/2012

Just checked my Google+ for the first time in a year. Pretended like I missed it. Thanks to the Internet, I'm a digital deadbeat dad!
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Sam Grittner 11/30/2011

If I die in my sleep you can actually say that I died doing what I loved.
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Sam Grittner 11/23/2011

KIDS: Freak your grandparents the fuck out tomorrow and ask Siri to say 'Grace' before eating.
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Sam Grittner 10/24/2011

"Still got it!" - Hoarders
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Sam Grittner 10/14/2011

Be the change you don't give to homeless people.
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Sam Grittner 10/05/2011

I'm wearing my black turtleneck at half mast (see: mid-riff only) tomorrow.
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Sam Grittner 09/22/2011

Can we Copy and Paste feelings yet?
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Sam Grittner 09/08/2011

I get the feeling Rick Perry plays FUCK/MARRY/KILL 'EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT 'EM OUT.
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Sam Grittner 08/31/2011

I'm God's re-gift to women.
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Sam Grittner 07/21/2011

Saw a thirty-something in line for Harry Potter today and I ruined the ending for him: "You're going to die alone."
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Sam Grittner 07/15/2011

"It's gotta be half past the sundial somewhere!" - Ancient Alcoholic
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Sam Grittner 07/11/2011

"Hell's yeah bro! Wild Bill just has to touch up the coloring a bit. WHOA! Check out the MWLF!" - Gross Schizophrenic
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Sam Grittner 07/01/2011

I used to think that the music video for "Lightening Crashes" changed my life, so I really wouldn't take anything I say too seriously.
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Sam Grittner 06/21/2011

When it comes to "How I got these here hooks" stories, Grifters dominate the competition hands down. Sorry dock workers.
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Sam Grittner 05/31/2011

Before napkins were invented everything was a napkin.
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Sam Grittner 05/11/2011

I'm landing in the Minneapolis Airport in a few hours. I forget stall etiquette. Is it still two taps for a reach-around, three for a hug?
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Sam Grittner 04/25/2011

"So.... ummm.... wanna see my Tramp Stamp collection?" - Boring Serial Killer
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Sam Grittner 04/12/2011

"Humpty Dumpty" is pretty much the worst name ever, even for an egg-child.
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Sam Grittner 04/08/2011

"It puts the lotion IN the bucket, IN the kitchen, IN the bedroom, it even puts the lotion IN THE LOTION!" - SerialKiller/CommercialPitchman
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Sam Grittner 04/04/2011

Shit got real when they put a sharpener on the back of the crayon box.
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Sam Grittner 04/01/2011

"Haven't you heard of the five-finger GROUPON?" - Hipster Klepto
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Sam Grittner 03/25/2011

The difference between 'I am good now' and 'I am god now' is either a typo or cocaine.
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