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Bryan Donaldson 05/07/2012

They say you should dress for the job you want, so I made a suit out of my boss's skin.
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Bryan Donaldson 04/17/2012

My nutsack looks like it had a stroke.
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Bryan Donaldson 04/05/2012

Does your beard of bees match the carpet?
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Bryan Donaldson 04/03/2012

"I'm more into the earlier day saints" - hipster Mormon
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Bryan Donaldson 03/23/2012

My grandfather died doing what he loved: wearing a hoodie.
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Bryan Donaldson 03/20/2012

Sometimes I like to substitute onion rings for french fries, or alcohol for the ability to connect emotionally to other human beings.
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Bryan Donaldson 03/15/2012

There's nothing funny about Gallagher having a heart attack or Gallagher doing anything else.
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Bryan Donaldson 02/28/2012

How can we know which candidate is right for America if pundits like Dave Mustaine and Kid Rock can't even agree on which one to endorse?
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Bryan Donaldson 02/24/2012

If they have one more GOP debate, they will be eligible for syndication.
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Bryan Donaldson 02/23/2012

I didn't think your tweet was very funny at first, but then someone I like retweeted it.
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Bryan Donaldson 02/13/2012

My wife and I will spend a romantic Valentine's Day watching Peppa Pig or whatever show my 2yo needs to keep her from being a total cunt.
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Bryan Donaldson 02/01/2012

Because of our religious beliefs, my wife and I can only have sex through a hole in her crotch.
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Bryan Donaldson 01/05/2012

Lately it seems like the only thing that makes me happy is the release of serotonin by my neurons. :(
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Bryan Donaldson 11/28/2011

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of this meeting.
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Bryan Donaldson 11/21/2011

So far as I can tell, the only difference between Weezer and the Free Credit Report band is that the latter is still culturally relevant.
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Bryan Donaldson 11/15/2011

I'm going to be so depressed this winter if they end up canceling the NBA season or if they don't.
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Bryan Donaldson 11/08/2011

Applebee's is offering a free meal to veterans on 11-11-11 in case they don't already suffer from PTSD.
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Bryan Donaldson 10/27/2011

I'm always the classiest guy in the room when I'm getting a blow job from a meth-head in a port-o-let.
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Bryan Donaldson 10/17/2011

Really nailing the fake smiles at my asshole co-workers in the hallways this morning.
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Bryan Donaldson 09/23/2011

One nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all white heterosexuals who can afford health insurance.
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Bryan Donaldson 09/21/2011

Some days my daughter makes me wonder why Sophie didn't give up both of those little fuckers to that SS officer.
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Bryan Donaldson 09/12/2011

I have a special place in my heart for pumping oxygenated blood out into my cardiovascular system.
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Bryan Q. Nardvark 08/24/2011

I just cut a fart that sounded like Bebe Neuwirth saying the word "burlap".
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Bryan Q. Nardvark 08/02/2011

"The Audacity of Hope" by Barack Obama RT @willhines : Can anyone recommend a novel in which things don't really work out for anyone?
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Bryan Q. Nardvark 07/29/2011

I just took a crap that looked like a litter of stillborn hamsters.
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