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Wade 05/16/2012

Skechers Shape-ups may have been found guilty of false advertising, but I got plenty of exercise laughing at people who wore them.
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Wade 05/02/2012

Tyler Perry's Studio Bursts Into Flames sounds like a movie of his I'd actually want to see.
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Wade 04/13/2012

If Cory Booker really wanted to save that woman, he could have at least helped her move out of Newark.
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Wade 04/12/2012

Perhaps if the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame trick him into thinking it's the grand opening of a new Cinnabon, Axl Rose might attend.
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Wade 04/10/2012

If ironically wearing a Fidel Castro hat also got people suspended from work for five days, there'd be no one left to serve coffee.
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Wade 02/01/2012

With so many needy white people out there, I hope Don Cornelius was a registered soul donor.
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Wade 01/10/2012

"Coachella" is Spanish for "well, this seemed like a great idea when I bought the tickets in January."
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Wade 01/09/2012

If the bumbling way I sneak around a birthday card for a co-worker is any indication, I would suck at corporate espionage.
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Wade 12/14/2011

Time Magazine names "The Protestor" as Person of the Year. If you disagree, congratulations, you just won Person of the Year!
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Wade 10/31/2011

The Kardashian family asks that you respect Kim's privacy during this difficult time and wait until they finish editing the divorce special.
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Wade 10/21/2011

Fool me once, Harold Camping, shame on you. Fool me twice, what am I supposed to do with 10,000 cans of beans in my Rapture Bunker?
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Wade 10/18/2011

I spend more time thinking up a new password for my work log-in every month than I did when naming my kids.
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Wade 10/11/2011

Of course the Occupy Wall Street signs are spelled correctly, what else are you going to do with a liberal arts degree?
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Wade 10/05/2011

My daughter is so white and pretty I bet she could get away with murdering me so that's why she gets to eat ice cream every day.
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Wade 08/24/2011

The only time I use algebra as an adult is when I try to add insult to injury.
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Wade 08/19/2011

Say what you will about Obama's vacation, it's just nice to see the minority population of Martha's Vineyard doubled.
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Wade 08/18/2011

The new Footloose remake would be better if the town banned remakes of 1980s dancing movies and not just dancing.
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Wade 08/17/2011

Abercrombie should have paid Gerard Depardieu to piss on The Situation instead.
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Wade 07/28/2011

I'm not a religious man, but I pray there is no hidden footage of me trying to explain to my dog why she couldn't go on vacation this year.
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Wade 07/19/2011

Being stuck hearing about someone's trip to Vietnam for 10 minutes at the start of a 4pm conference call is my Vietnam.
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Wade 06/29/2011

I had to sneak these donuts from the break room to my desk without anyone seeing them. How do drug mules do this every day?
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Wade 06/28/2011

I mistakenly bought a razor with ONLY three blades. I'm pretty sure this is how Hitler got stuck with that mustache.
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Wade 06/02/2011

My Gmail is impenetrable to hackers in China because my password is just eight letter L's.
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Wade 04/05/2011

The saddest thing about Kurt Cobain's suicide is that he probably died thinking OJ Simpson was a pretty good guy.
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Wade 03/31/2011

Not to be outdone by Cameron Diaz, CC Sabathia's wife is feeding him brontosaurus burgers in between each batter he faces today.
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