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Chris Kelly 03/19/2012

Awww your baby's so cute!!!!! Can she walk? Has she gone viral?
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Chris Kelly 02/21/2012

The scariest moment is when I realize the high-five doesn't end there.
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Chris Kelly 02/13/2012

LOL just saw a couple holding hands but its only the 13th!!
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Chris Kelly 02/06/2012

Saw a very old Hispanic man crying alone on the subway and now Im crying. I just pray someone tweets about me the way Ive tweeted about him.
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Chris Kelly 01/24/2012

Only boring people post "Only boring people get bored."
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Chris Kelly 11/07/2011

I want a show on E! so I can write "God is love", and have 100+ people retweet it.
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Chris Kelly 10/26/2011

On my lease, I listed my emergency contact as Raul, the guy who does the tortilla/beans/rice part at my Chipotle.
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Chris Kelly 10/19/2011

When I die, I'll think of all the wasted hours I spent waiting for a receipt that both the cashier and I knew wasn't wanted.
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Chris Kelly 09/01/2011

Its the last day of going to my current Starbucks so the baristas gave me a free drink and applauded. It was the saddest moment of my life.
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Chris Kelly 08/24/2011

"What am I going to read on the drive to work?!?!" - a real thought I had after dropping my phone in the toilet.
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Chris Kelly 07/07/2011

HAHA! Casey Anthony is gonna have to see Harry Potter 7 Part 2 without seeing Part 1 if she wants to see it opening weekend! JUSTICE!!!!!!!
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Chris Kelly 06/03/2011

Picking on Sarah Palin for not knowing the story of Paul Revere is like picking on Sarah Palin for not knowing the story of Paul Revere.
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Chris Kelly 06/01/2011

Jay Leno stole a joke I made last week in thirteen years.
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Chris Kelly 05/23/2011

You sat on your phone. RT @SarahPalinUSA Tumultuous world gotcha flummoxed? Divert w/tuning 2 unifying sweet comp DWTS TEAM BALLAS tonite
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Chris Kelly 04/05/2011

Nothing more terrifying than when the top lid is down on a public toilet.
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Chris Kelly 03/24/2011

Name one assistant manager whose girlfriend isn't pregnant.
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Chris Kelly 03/24/2011

Guy at Chipotle just said "long time no see". I saw him Monday. And it's not my regular Chipotle.
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Chris Kelly 03/15/2011

All I want is to be spotted crying on the street one day and have it be considered "entertainment news".
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Chris Kelly 03/09/2011

People spend thousands to get their sex changed but Ive done it for $20 by simply getting this for my apartment! http://plixi.com/p/82823257
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Chris Kelly 03/04/2011

Aaaand thats a wrap on culture and the internet! Good work everyone! RT @heidimontag Anyone else feel really concerned about @CharlieSheen ?
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Chris Kelly 03/04/2011

Aaaand thats a wrap on culture and the internet! Good work everyone! RT @heidimontag Anyone else feel really concerned about @CharlieSheen ?
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Chris Kelly 02/16/2011

Good thing Justin Bieber's not a girl or he'd be stuck at home, raising four to seven of Usher's children.
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Chris Kelly 02/16/2011

Chillin, eatin lunch and readin bout what a 16 year old boy who sings a song called "Eenie Meenie" has to say bout a womans right to choose.
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