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Julius Sharpe 05/14/2012

I took a shit this morning that convinced me I don't deserve love.
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Julius Sharpe 05/07/2012

I hope some day I meet Mick Jagger so I can say, "Wow! I'm a huge fan of 15% of your work!"
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Julius Sharpe 04/19/2012

Dick Clark was "America's oldest teenager". I like to think of myself as "America's youngest senior citizen".
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Julius Sharpe 04/12/2012

I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare at him angrily while I order something completely different.
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Julius Sharpe 04/09/2012

Just wanted to tell everyone in massage therapist school: Enjoy a lifetime of guys waiting to see if you'll give them a handjob.
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Julius Sharpe 03/16/2012

This whole Jason Russell thing is a huge disappointment. I expected a lot more from a guy I just learned about 3 days ago.
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Julius Sharpe 03/13/2012

Glad I took that Jazz Appreciation course in college. I mean, there are millions of Americans only appreciating jazz at a high school level.
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Julius Sharpe 03/07/2012

If the Ten Commandments came out today, I bet they'd have tons of exclamation points.
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Julius Sharpe 02/22/2012

Guys, don't be nervous about getting married. 40% of it is just pretending to be excited about new storage containers.
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Julius Sharpe 02/10/2012

If I were a couples counselor, you could secretly bribe me an extra $100 to take your side.
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Julius Sharpe 01/27/2012

In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.
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Julius Sharpe 01/19/2012

My only goal in every meeting is to end the meeting.
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Julius Sharpe 01/17/2012

I'm always that much prouder of myself when I hold the door for an ugly person.
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Julius Sharpe 01/06/2012

New slogan that could revive the company: "Barnes and Noble - not just a place to take a shit".
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Julius Sharpe 01/05/2012

"We're Flinstone kids - 10 million strong and growing!" Guys, there's an army of children preparing to destroy us.
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Julius Sharpe 12/19/2011

I used to look up words I didn't know in the dictionary. Now I just figure I'll die without knowing that word.
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Julius Sharpe 12/12/2011

I hope "War Horse" is bad so as I leave the theater I can say, "That was the 'War Horse-t' movie I've ever seen."
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Julius Sharpe 12/08/2011

All I want is a better life than my kids.
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Julius Sharpe 12/06/2011

The best part of being angry with myself is the makeup masturbation.
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Julius Sharpe 11/29/2011

Call me crazy but I think Herman Cain could still win this thing if everyone he groped votes for him.
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Julius Sharpe 11/18/2011

I hope I never have to look at someone with a sliced-up face and yell, "Who did this to you??!!"
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Julius Sharpe 11/09/2011

We can drop the "magic" now and just call them "markers".
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Julius Sharpe 10/27/2011

Also, if you see an investment banker hitting on a woman, cockblock him. #CockbloccupyWallStreet
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Julius Sharpe 10/26/2011

Don't complain there are no jobs out there when I'm willing to hire someone full-time to make me kettlecorn for $6 a day.
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Julius Sharpe 10/19/2011

A more effective way to #OccupyWallStreet would be to get hired as a temp, then go in and do a really shitty job.
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