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Patton Oswalt 04/03/2012

Al Qaeda just claimed responsibility for The Fray's performance of The National Anthem last night.
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Patton Oswalt 02/29/2012

Wait, wait -- can't we swab Marcia Brady's cheek and grow a NEW Davey Jones from the DNA? She promised to never wash it...
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Patton Oswalt 02/06/2012

I'm so hungover right now I need to make an "It Gets Better" video for my asshole.
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Patton Oswalt 01/26/2012

Somewhere in America, Newt Gingrich sings Fatboy Slim's "Praise You" to his favorite mashed potato-eating spoon.
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Patton Oswalt 01/06/2012

"You know where you are? You're in The Hyatt Terrace Bistro, baby! You're gonna diiiiiiiiiine!" -- Axl Rose, maitre d'
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Patton Oswalt 11/11/2011

Did you know that if you write today's date BACKWARD, you need a life?
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Patton Oswalt 11/04/2011

I laughed at her when she first said it, but today I ache like Courtney Love aches.
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Patton Oswalt 10/14/2011

Hey AMC: WALKING MAD BAD. Mega-crossover. You're welcome.
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Patton Oswalt 09/16/2011

Driving over the Henry Hudson Bridge. The font on the suicide prevention signs is sending me into a deep depression.
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Patton Oswalt 09/06/2011

Y'ever felt that, were you to sneeze, cough or even move you'd shit your pants like a wild gibbon? What, no? Uh, me neither...
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Patton Oswalt 09/01/2011

"I am the perfect age for this shit." -- Roger Murtaugh, age 22
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Patton Oswalt 08/31/2011

I like my coffee to be like my secret eHarmony account's profile picture: black.
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Patton Oswalt 07/14/2011

Having breakfast at my hotel. Two little kids next to me arguing in French. Have never felt so intimidated.
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Patton Oswalt 07/13/2011

Sediment is not an impediment. #geologistaffirmations
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Patton Oswalt 06/22/2011

The term "controversial Tweet", while relevant & somewhat accurate, sounds as silly as "ferocious kitten."
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Patton Oswalt 06/22/2011

"Incontinent like a FOX!" -- nursing home resident, saving face
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Patton Oswalt 06/02/2011

Was about to Tweet, "No one has ever improved on yellow mustard" and realized I'm turning into Larry King.
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Patton Oswalt 05/20/2011

Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who could have fought the Rapture demons. And God took him. IT'S HAPPENING, PEOPLE!
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Patton Oswalt 05/11/2011

I've just bookmarked a website that sells socks. That's a memo to the Universe that says, "No funeral", right?
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Patton Oswalt 04/26/2011

When the "funniest comedian tweets about the Royal Wedding" are compiled, I won't be on that list. #DO #NOT #CARE
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Patton Oswalt 04/05/2011

"Black SCHINDLER'S LIST?" #HollywoodPostItnote
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Patton Oswalt 03/25/2011

While Twitter was down, I cornered 3 strangers in this hotel's lobby and told them fart and rape jokes. In my underwear. I need help.
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Patton Oswalt 03/17/2011

I always get confused -- if someone's not wearing green do I throw a cup of urine at 'em or hit 'em with a padlock wrapped in a sock?
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Patton Oswalt 03/16/2011

Crying Middle Eastern man at corner of Cahuenga/Hollywood wearing Charlie Sheen "Winning" T-shirt.
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Patton Oswalt 03/14/2011

"May your penis & balls be nailed to three walls." #horriblechampagnetoasts
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