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rob delaney 05/17/2012

One that made a lot of money. RT @mashable : If you had a time machine, which company would you go back & invest in?
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rob delaney 04/19/2012

At sunset I will be placing my family & pets in a 36 hour medically induced coma to protect them from the global 4/20 pot holocaust.
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rob delaney 04/10/2012

Divorce is very stressful/confusing for kids. Make sure to CLEARLY explain what they did to make you & your spouse split.
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rob delaney 04/02/2012

Your grandmother has plastic covers on her furniture because she's a filthy slut.
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rob delaney 03/28/2012

"Maybe Trayvon felt 'guilty' about wearing a hoodie, took Zimmerman's gun & shot himself?" - Geraldo Gingrich
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rob delaney 03/23/2012

The continued existence of "Skechers" without a T is a slow motion 9/11.
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rob delaney 03/15/2012

Rick Santorum can have my porn when he pries it from my lotiony dead hands.
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rob delaney 03/14/2012

Jon Krakauer may one day write a book about what I just did to this Denny's toilet.
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rob delaney 03/02/2012

Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.
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rob delaney 02/28/2012

"Kid Rock's lazy, derivative 'whatever the fuck' milquetoast dogshit 'music' captures my campaign's essence perfectly!" - Mitt Romney
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rob delaney 02/27/2012

It looks like the last calories Angelina Jolie consumed were when she drank that vial of Billy Bob Thornton's blood.
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rob delaney 02/21/2012

Psyched for the new Rihanna/Chris Brown songs! Haven't been this excited since Hitler & Anne Frank's duet, "Chillax, Haterz!"
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rob delaney 02/14/2012

My wife is so fat. How fat is she? (This is not a joke setup; she is so medically fat she cannot be measured what do I do?)
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rob delaney 02/01/2012

I bet if Lionel Richie winked at you, you could fly.
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rob delaney 01/23/2012

Too many people expect a relationship to be "easy" or "worth it."
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rob delaney 01/13/2012

Probably my BIGGEST pet peeve is getting hit by a car on my birthday as I'm being informed I have syphilis.
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rob delaney 01/11/2012

It's crazy how even the most straitlaced looking Japanese person is basically a swollen garbage can of sexual perversion.
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rob delaney 01/10/2012

A lot of us probably think our dad is our dad but really Rod Stewart is our dad.
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rob delaney 01/06/2012

To the folks in my dream last night who held Rick Santorum back & made him watch while I shit in his sweater vest drawer, thanks.
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rob delaney 12/20/2011

If you pee the bed when a lover is present, just say it's wet from tears so they don't think you're weird & leave you to die alone.
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rob delaney 12/19/2011

My phone autocorrects my name to "Ron" every time, so I guess Ron it is. Hi, I'm Ron. #Ron
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rob delaney 12/14/2011

It would be fun to watch the cast of "The Expendables" hunt & eat the cast of "New Year's Eve."
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rob delaney 12/12/2011

My family is torn apart by alcoholism & mental illness. RT @olivegarden : Is your family close-knit, but kept far apart by distance?
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rob delaney 12/09/2011

"New Year's Eve" was so good that my infant daughter's face now sickens me because she will never be that beautiful.
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rob delaney 12/07/2011

To imagine the horror Americans felt 70 years ago, watch the film "Pearl Harbor" & multiply that feeling by 2 or maybe 3.
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