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MJ
yesterday
I always make out with the entire restaurant staff before I eat anywhere, just so they know that spitting in my food won't be necessary.
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MJ
05/03/2012
How many bites can I take out of my egg McMuffin wrapper before I can't call it an accident anymore?
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MJ
05/02/2012
Newt Gingrich suspends his campaign. Moon Colony flags flown at half-staff.
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MJ
04/27/2012
I just called my wife and told her I'm gay so I can stay out as late as I want tonight.
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MJ
04/25/2012
More like RAD cow disease! *high fives a cow wearing sunglasses on a skateboard*
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MJ
02/15/2012
I'm scared to look inside of "WALK!" Magazine, because what if I've been doing it wrong this whole time?!
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M
01/19/2012
Calling the doctor and making an appointment for "any and all tests that require him to touch my dong".
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M
01/11/2012
Everyone wants you to follow them and RT all of their tweets. I hope this clears up any confusion.
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M
12/21/2011
Whipping out my dong and staring at the wall are two of my favorite pastimes, so urinals really are a dream come true.
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M
12/14/2011
I can't believe I had the
#5
funniest tweet of 2011 and yet I still had to drive MYSELF to work this morning.
http://t.co/kXBcs2nr
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M
12/08/2011
So these "teenage" mutant ninja turtles- Are we talking like, over 18?...no reason.
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M
12/06/2011
By now I'm probably common-law married to the curly fry that fell between the seats in my car.
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M
11/18/2011
I know "Bambi" was just a movie, but I haven't seen Bambi's mom in any other movies and I'm starting to get worried.
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M
11/16/2011
I bet Sour Patch kids and Cabbage Patch kids fucking hate each other.
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M
11/09/2011
I wish there was a way to let the 6 year old who made my shoes know that a hot girl told me she liked them.
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MJ
10/13/2011
Your daughter looks super hot on your stick-figure family window sticker.
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MJ
09/21/2011
I'm gonna hold off until I can complain about people complaining about people complaining about people complaining about facebook.
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MJ
08/22/2011
Buttholes are just gay vaginas.
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MJ
08/05/2011
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
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MJ
07/26/2011
The best part about being an adult is that now my pillow forts have sex dungeons.
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MJ
07/25/2011
I'm sorry for whatever happened to you that made you want to buy a baby shit brown colored car.
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MJ
07/21/2011
I go to the zoo pretty much exclusively to talk shit to the koalas.
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MJ
07/05/2011
Still wondering if that guy I saw yesterday wearing a t-shirt in the pool was fat or not. So hard to tell!
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MJ
06/29/2011
I wanted to be on time to work today, but there's a squirrel and a rabbit staring at each other and I need to see how this plays out.
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MJ
06/28/2011
If I was 100% sure it wouldn't bite me I would totally put a squirrel's face in my mouth.
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Gay Marriage
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School
Teacher gives extra credit to students for challenging teacher's authority.
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A new way to dress as reprehensibly as possible on your wedding day.
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Craigslist ad offers great summer house opportunity for ugly people.
Technology
New app calculates how much you're being paid to crap during office hours.
TV
Banned Family Guy for-your-consideration ad funnier than most Emmy-nominated shows.
Notes
More of the most entertaining, obnoxious, or completely insane notes written to neighbors.
Photoshop
How to use Photoshop to make it look like your drunk friend had the night of his life.
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Anderson Cooper kicks horrifying plastic surgery addict off show for being "dreadful."
TV News
Reporter's skirt adjustment nearly turns news clip into porn clip.
TV News
The most awkward conceivable way to declare you need a tan.
The Gays
The single-most deranged anti-gay rant ever read calmly into a microphone.
Food
Real-life Homer Simpson protests all-you-can-eat restaurant for cutting him off.
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What it would look like if every Sunday night show you watch was combined into one.
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Kids reenact Sabotage video in honor of MCA.
Videos
Heartfelt music video about Facebook more embarrassing than your friends' status updates.
Mother's Day
How to compensate your mom for the grossest thing she ever did for you.
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Kevin Biggins
The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.
Brendan McLaughlin
Anyone know where Don Draper's wife's fake funky teeth are made? These things I've been having prostitutes wear are way off.
rachel lichtman
Happy Correct Everyone's Pronunciation Of 'Moog' Day.
5318008
Your girlfriend noticing you are constantly clearing your web browser history is the new your girlfriend seeing your web browser history.
Eli Braden
It would probably do bigger box office with a more modern title like 'DA GREAT GAT$BY'
leo allen
This whole Facebook stock plunge reminds me of that other time the other business thing I didn't really understand happened.
Jacob Harris
So, how should I talk to my kids about the Facebook IPO?
emily bell
It is such sweet and supreme irony that Facebook seems to have screwed up its IPO through failing to share information correctly.
joewengert
PLEASE LET ME KNOW OF ANY MENU INACCURACIES AS SOON AS I SIT DOWN I'M NOT TRYING TO GET MY HEART BROKEN PLEASE
Alex Baze
"My name is Mitt Romney, and I've been told that I would like to be your president."
Matt Ingebretson
I think dinosaurs didn't get hit by a meteor they just all committed suicide because they didn't have internet
Artie Johann
If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.
Ben Greenman
Facebook stock should have its own Timeline so it can look back on happier days, like last Friday.
Jenny Johnson
Most people don't know this, but you can quietly be a Republican or a Democrat.
Ken Jennings
Matthew Fox is like the Windows XP of Jon Hamm.
Nicole Betz
I stay up at night worrying about what happens to the unquestioned Jeopardy answers.
kelly oxford
It's Morrissey's birthday today; spend a minute thinking about how crazy it is that he never killed himself.
h. jon benjamin
so far today, i read the ny times and googled 'hulk porn'
jon hendren
"i'm a passionate gamer" says incredible waste of human life
Michael Ian Black
Pretty sure most people aren't spending nearly enough time thinking about me.
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The funniest headline we've seen since the last time we turned on Fox News.
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5 people having a worse Monday than you.
Headlines
One of the most creatively disgusting ways to get revenge on your boss.
Advice
Advice column receives letter from worst man you could possibly sleep with.
Headlines
Headline about gay marriage succeeds in being as blatantly sexual as possible.
News
How every man wants to die.
Headlines
How not to treat a 79-year-old world-renowned actor.
Mondays
5 people having a worse Monday than you.
Headlines
How an attempt at the perfect prom photo can go horribly wrong.
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My favorite thing about summer is having a valid excuse for my excessive sweating.
There's no stronger sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.
No amount of tanning will ever change how hopelessly white you are.
I heard you go down even faster than Facebook stock.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
Summer has snuck up once again on me and my giant ass.
Have a joyous time celebrating the day your face rubbed your mother's vagina.
I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summertime.
I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.
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